My Boring Life Today

Today I was walking on the side of the street. I heard someone whistle at me and I fe...

2010-05-19T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today I was walking on the side of the street. I heard someone whistle at me and I felt really flattered. It wasn't until I heard the noise again when I noticed the "whistling" was coming from a bird. I still felt really flattered.

Today, at my school, we had to take our final exams. I walked into the classroom and sat down at my desk, mentally preparing myself for the test. Just then, someone shut off the lights, and I look up to see Finding Nemo playing on the wall screen. As we all sat back to watch, my teacher handed out bags of popcorn to the whole class. New favorite teacher? Heck yes.

Today, right after I had proposed to my girlfriend, (to which she said yes! :D), this man who must have been about 60, walks up, gives me a high-five and whispers in my ear, "Dude, you're so in there."

Today I was in an awkward situation, and needed a moment. I chewed it over with Twix.

Today when I was on the school bus, we were coming to a round-about. My bus driver went around it 3 times as we all cheered her on. I have a new respect for her.

Yesterday, I was on my treadmill when I started listening to my iPod. I didn't notice that the volume was all the way up. It was so loud when the song started that it startled me and I tripped. Now I have burns and scratches all over my face and arms. I'm going to tell everyone at school I was atttacked by puppets.

Today, my professor misspelled the word "misspell." I was the only one that noticed.

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. There goes my hopes and dreams.

Today, while walking to class, I noticed a "Wet Paint" sign on the wall, so, naturall...

2010-05-18T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, while walking to class, I noticed a "Wet Paint" sign on the wall, so, naturally, I touched it. When I got to class, I noticed six other people, including the professor, had beige paint smudges on their hands. We're in an Honours Biology course.

I recently put a bumper sticker on my car that stated that i support gay marriage. Today, i was driving to work and noticed a car started following me and followed me for over 10 miles. I started getting creeped and thought i would stop at a populated gas station and wait for them to leave. After i pulled in the gas station i no longer saw the car so i thought id get some coffee and calm down. When i came back out to my car i was kamakaze-hugged by two very flambouyant men dressed in rainbow. They loved my bumper sticker and really wanted to hug me for it.

Today, I was sitting in my grandmother's livingroom, crocheting a blanket for my room. I look over to see my grandma on her facebook. I feel that somewhere along the lines, the tables have turned.

Today, my mom decided to take away my ipod touch because she thought I was spending to much time listening to music and playing games. I then took out my CD player and gameboy.

Today, while eating lunch with my family, my brother curled his tongue and used it to drink his milk. I said it's like a poratble straw. It wasn't until my sister pointed out that all straws are portable that I realized what I'd said.

Today is Justin Bieber's birthday. Today is also Ron Weasley's birthday. I think we all know who wins here...

I saw a banana peel in the middle of the road today. For about two seconds, I seriously considered making a Mario Cart swerve just to avoid it.

Today my friend asked to borrow my phone to make a call. I gave it to her. A minute later I started to frantically search for my phone around the room. I decided to interrupt her conversation to ask where it was. She handed my phone back to me.

Today, I bought some Silly Putty. I haven't done so for a couple years, so I looked at the package for a while and read the warnings. It said to be careful because Silly Putty can stick to clothes and hair, and under that it said that Silly Putty should not be used as ear plugs. I wonder how many idiots have tried that before they had to put it on the warning label.

Yesterday at work (I'm a cashier) some guys total came to $6.66. I was kind of amazed when I told him what he owed. But the guy freaked out and grabbed some candy, saying he couldn't buy anything with 'that number' on it. So his final total was $7.49, which was not very amazing.

Today my three year old sister learned that cats do NOT like being baptized with the ...

2010-05-17T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today my three year old sister learned that cats do NOT like being baptized with the Garden hose.

Today my friend and I were driving to the mall. My friend got really excited because she saw a hott guy pass by so I sped up to take a look. As we stopped at a stop light, I rolled down the window and said, "Dinner's at 7." to which he replied "Okay, are you playing?" I replied, "Only if I can bring a friend." My friend will never know that this "hott guy" was my older btoher and that tonight is family game night.

A while ago, I had a life skills class at school, and we were talking about the difference between things we want and things we need. When my teacher asked what an example of something you want but don't need, thinking of people buying expensive designer clothes instead of less expensive non-designer clothes, I said "clothes". There was an awkward silence.

Today, I changed my mouse curser to a dinosaur. My little brother suggested I change my back ground to the Tokyo skyline. We've spent the past 5 minutes making dinosaur noises and making him stomp around Tokyo.

I have a boys' name. I went to a new doctor one day and the first thing he says to me is, "You're a girl!" Thank you, Captain Obvious, I didn't notice.

Today, I was making fun of my two friends, one for being Irish, and one for being an Italian. Then they were so kind as to remind me that I'm Irish, Italian, and blonde.

Today at church, my friend and I opened up our books to the first song. The song was obsessing over God's undefying love and the good in his ways. It was on page 666. The only people who found this funny were me, my friend, and the 80-year-old pastor.

Today, my friend, who was trying to impersonate Squidward, hollered, "I HAVE TESTICLES!" It took her a minute to figure out why I was on the floor laughing.

A few weeks ago, i read an

Today I read an

Today I went to a kiosk and asked for a coke, the cashier then asked me if pepsi was ...

2010-05-16T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today I went to a kiosk and asked for a coke, the cashier then asked me if pepsi was okay, remembering a group I had recently join on Facebook I responed with "Is monopoly money okay?" the cashier thought for a minute walked away and came back a couple of minutes later holding a coke. New friend? I think so.

Today, I was going to post another story, but I saw the "coded message" you have to type at the bottom of the screen said "hotcake THAT". That is officially my new favorite saying.

Today, one of my friends tried to convince me that gullible wasn't in the dictionary. Even though I wasn't falling for it, I took out a dictionary and looked. I then exclaimed "Oh my gosh isn't!" he said "Really?!" It was. Ah the irony.

Today i realized i had the coolest back pack in the school. It has a dinosaur hood. In middle school i would've been shunned for this, but in High school, i'm offically the coolest person on campus.

Today, I noticed there was braile on the buttons on the drive-thru ATM. It's good to know that if a blind person ever needed to withdraw money while driving, he wouldn't have a hard time reading the machine.

Today, I was standing in my bathroom. For some reason I had a lighter in my hand. I saw my Q-tips and had a great idea. I lit the cotton on both ends of fire, and pretended like I was a flaming baton spinner in the circus.

One day I overheard my 11 year old brother talking with his friend about a website she had found one time and wanted to show him. She said, "I can't remember what the name was, but I know it ended in 'dot com'..."

Today in psychology class we took a personality quiz where we had to draw pictures in blank boxes. According to the test, my "main interest" is an epic pirate vs. ninja battle.

Today my sisters and I were playing Duck Hunt on the old Nintendo system. They kept doing really well and I couldn't hit any. So, joking, I asked them what their secret was. They both responded that they pretended to shoot people that they didn't like and they never missed. I took their advice and my next turn I pretended to shoot Miley Cyrus, Robert Pattinson and Barney. I never missed.

Today, I rented the film D�j� vu. Ten minutes in the movie it skipped and went back to the beginning. Thinking this was part of the 'D�j� vu' effect, I kept watching. After five repeats, I was kind of suspicious and took the dvd out, only to realize it was scratched. Ironic, isn't it?

Today, after watching Apolo Ohno get disqualified in the olympic speed skating, I yel...

2010-05-15T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, after watching Apolo Ohno get disqualified in the olympic speed skating, I yelled OH NO Ohno! Then laughed at the irony.

Today, my friends and I sat in the listening booth of our favorite music store, which has two glass walls facing out onto the street. We were waving at passers-by and trying to get them to wave back, when the owner of the music store suggested we write signs to attract their attention. Sign #1 (I'm made of wax - what are you made of?" gained a phone number, while Sign #2 (Is your name Larry???) gained an actual Larry. Saturday well spent; we're planning on doing the same thing tomorrow. But with cookies.

Today, I learned that my 3 year old sister is extremely afraid of tacos.

Today, I bought a pack of socks. I was zoned out and looking at the pack. It was resealable, with a ziplock. It was then that I asked myself, "Why would I need to put them back inside?"

I work at a daycare, and the other day two little boys I was taking care of lead me into the bathroom and closed the door. Thinking we were playing a game, I allowed this. I then heard scraping and grunting noises. Curious, I tried to open the bathroom door, but to no avail. Turns out the kids were busy dragging every object in front of the door to baracade me in.

Today, I was reading a book on evolutionary psychology. According to some studies that have been done on what traits are found attractive, average faces are considered the most attractive. It's good to be average.

Today, I discovered the scariest thing ever, the feeling of going to far in a rocking chair.

Today, during band class my director was yelling at the trombone section, he wanted them to play louder, he said "When you come up to a six foot pole, you don't just blow it, you blow it HARD!" he was the first to laugh.

I read an

Today I read an Today, I was in Publix ordering a delicious sub. While the worker w...

2010-05-11T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today I read an

Today, I was in Publix ordering a delicious sub. While the worker was preparing it, I glanced around me and saw packaged hard-boiled eggs. I looked closer at them and saw the allergen information on them. "Warning: contains eggs." At least they were being thorough.

Today, my 12-year-old brother checked out an informational book titled "Marijuana" from his school library. As he was walking back to class he made sure to inform all the staff and students that he had found "Marijuana" in the library. I wish I would have been there to see their faces.

Today, I was in math class and i was complaining to my teacher about how I skipped breakfast and I was super hungry. Just as the period ended she came up to me and told me she didn't have a class next period and asked if i wanted to go to the McDonalds a few miles from school. I skipped school with my math teacher. New favorite teacher? I think so!

Today, I said the name "Voldemort," and my cousin freaked out and told my never to say the name of the one who "shall not be named." She's 20.

Today, after reading an

Today, I woke up with the flu, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want him to see me looking like death. He came over 15 minutes later, with the Lion King, checkers, otter pops and Harry Potter 7. Best.Boyfriend.Ever.

I live in a co-ed housing dorm (girls on odd # floors, boys on even) over the weekend my friends and i from the fourth floor successfully planned and executed a hostile take over the girls 5th floor lounge. Essentially we built a giant blanket fort using all of our bedsheets that encompassed their entire lounge and posted "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" signs. I love college!

Today was my last day of finals in college, my roommates discovered my boyfriend and I, in a fort made out of furniture and blankets. Watching Finding Nemo, and reading Harry Potter out loud, voices and all.

Today, I was walking through the music hall of the local college. I was looking at upcoming concerts on the bulletin boards, and on each board noticed there were Disney Princess coloring pages. Each page had been colored in and had been signed by one of the boys in instrumental music.

Today, I mistook a glue stick for my chap stick. Today i am home sick from school. ...

2010-05-10T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, I mistook a glue stick for my chap stick.

Today i am home sick from school. My friend's phone accidentally called me from orchestra, and I spent 30 minutes listening to his conversations and the music playing. After a while I started screaming out his name, but he didn't hear me. Seizing the opportunity, I blasted the karaoke track of Bohemian Rhapsody and sang it into the phone, full on, while adding sound effects. Halfway through I heard his voice. "WHY THE HELL IS MY POCKET SINGING?!?"

Today, I went to assembly at my school there was a huge sign above the door that read "WARNING: Cheerleaders". I'm glad to know that my school is looking out for the student body.

Today, my teacher came back from trying out for American Idol. (I know it sounds fake, but he actually did.) They didn't show his on television, so everyone was asking him questions about if he got in or not. He finally told the class, "Remember, curiousity killed the cat." But then this kid goes, "Yes, but Simon Cowel killed your self esteem." His face was priceless.

Today, my campus began our game of Humans vs Zombies, basically a large game of tag. I've survived the invasion for Day 1.

Today, I went to celebrate my grandma's birthday. She is very senile but she loves movies so I took her to "Blind Side" knowing she wouldn't actually care what the movie was about. A line was "Instinct". In reply, she shouted, "NO YOU STINK!" When the theatre turned around to shush her, she yelled, "Oh shut the hell up, assholes." I think I'll go to the movies with my grandma more often.

Today I found out that ants cannot shut their eyes. After sharing this information with my girlfriend she tells me "but they close their eyes in a bug's life!" I knew there was a reason I loved her.

Today i saw someone write PROM?! on a piece of paper and tape it to a locker. I decided that no one would say yes to someone who didn't spend the effort in coloring it so i went and got my twist able crayola crayons and colored it. I feel like i made someones day :)

Once in high school, my English teacher was giving us a lecture and asked us what would happen if all the Asian people in the world disappeared. A girl at the front of the class gasped and exclaimed, "Then there wouldn't be anyone to do our nails!" My teacher looked at me and asked in perfect Cantonese if she should get an F. I said yes. Never before has being Asian felt so powerful.

Today, I was in my bedroom when I heard someone knock on my door. When I opened the d...

2010-05-09T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, I was in my bedroom when I heard someone knock on my door. When I opened the door no one was there except for a Lego Storm Trooper staring at me from across the hallway. I'm worried.

Even though my dad is a dentist, I am somewhat lazy when it comes to brushing my teeth. Today as I was brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush I wanted to see if I could a actually last the two minutes recommended, so sang random songs in my head until the two minutes was up. When I checked the timer on the toothbrush at the end I saw that it displayed a smiley face next to the time. I had no idea that my toothbrush could do that and now I am completely excited to brush my teeth for at least two minutes again. I shouldn't be this excited, I am an 18 year old college student.

Today, I was in the bathroom of a movie theatre. On the door, there was a sign that read, "shoplifters will be prosecuted". This made me wonder what one could possibly shoplift in a movie-theatre bathroom.

Today my mom told me about how she locked her keys inside our second-floor apartment. The manager wasn't home to let her in, and she didn't want to break down the door, so she scaled the building and went in through our slider. I take pride in knowing that my mom's a ninja.

the other day, i was the schools library during my lunch period. I walked over to a table and sat down. In the middle of the table was a folded up piece of paper. Curious, I opened it and it said "I hope you have a better day!" with a little smiley face. I smiled and put the paper in my pocket. I tore a piece of paper out of my note book and wrote "i hope your day is x10 amazing as yesterday!" and drew a smiley face. I folded it up and placed it in the middle of the table. The next day I went back to the same table and found a piece of paper in the middle. I quickly opened it and on it, it said "Thank you so much!" with two stick figures hugging. I think i made a difference.

Last month, I went to a baseball game. During half time, they were zooming the camera in on different people. One group had a huge sign that said "Snape kills dumbledore." Made my week.

Todday, I was at subway and ordered a BLT. The guy working promptly asked me if I'd like my bacon cooked.

Today, I realised that even if I'm home alone i still giggle quietly while reading

Yesterday i bought a swiffer. My old mop did not bring me flowers and sing baby come back.

Today, I was checking the time using my mobile phone. I had to do it twice because I got distracted the first time.

My mom babysits this adorable baby girl. She's gotten to the age where she will r...

2010-05-08T22:38:00.001-07:00

My mom babysits this adorable baby girl. She's gotten to the age where she will repeat anything you tell her to. She can now say pirate, ninga, rawr, and nom. I feel these words will really help her in life.

Today, the news was on and I heard something. I am proud to say the Yahoo Vs. Google war is over. Why? Yahoo sold its search engine to Google.So I think Google has won.

I'm so sick of google vs. yahoo, and pirates vs. ninjas. Yesterday at the bookstore, I saw a book that pitted Cookie Monster and Pac Man against each other. Now that's more like it.

Today my english teacher said she'd give a cookie to anyone who knew all the words to the song 'Can you feel the love tonight'. Needless to say she owes me a cookie.

I am a soldier in the Canadian Armed Forces, (currently on leave) and I would just like to acknowledge

The other day I was on the subway. This really hardcore looking guy sat next to me. His iPod was blasting, and, at first, he was listening to some metal song I had never heard. A Justin Beiber song came on next. It was hard to not laugh in his face.

Today I checked the refrigerator to make sure we had milk before I poured my cereal.

Today, I was heating up my drink in the microwave on the rotating plate - after it stopped, the cup's handle was facing away from me. I decided to heat 3 more seconds for easier access to my drink.

Today I got a letter from my pre-school teacher with candy, silly putty, and dinosaur stickers asking how my ninja training was going. Apparently when I was in her class I convinced all my friends that I was a ninja-in-training. I wish I was still that awesome.

Today, I spent literally 10 minutes trying to figure out the names of the shovel and pail off of Blues Clues.. Their names are shovel and pail.

This morning, i went down stairs and picked up the mail. There was the usual bills an...

2010-05-07T22:38:00.001-07:00

This morning, i went down stairs and picked up the mail. There was the usual bills and stuff. There was also a mini box of cheerios. Thank you, Mr.postman.

For a while now, my friend has been commenting on how I needed new jeans because the ones I wear often were getting worn out in some places. Today, I wore the same jeans and she told me how much she liked them and asked if they were new.

Today, i decided to see if Ireland has any weird laws as well. If a lepracon comes to your door, you must by law give him your dinner. Those guys have it so easy.

Today, for spirit week, you could dress up as any mythical creature. My boyfriend planned on going as Waldo, but when he showed up to school he was in regular clothes. I asked why he didn't dress up, and he said he couldn't find his Waldo hat. Waldo strikes again, and apparently he's not a fan of identity theft.

Today while sitting in history class I noticed that my teacher's name is actually "Bill Clinton." When sharing my discovery with my classmate, she stated "Who was Bill Clinton?" We are both Seniors.

Today, I realized if you're in a large group of people that are clapping for someone, and you're the only one not clapping, it feels like they're all clapping for you. Greatest discovery ever.

Today I read an

Today, I took a quiz on a college website that is supposed to help you decide a major by giving suggestions. My result? Undecided.

Today I was over at my friends grandparent's house. We were talking about the Civil War when her grandpa came is and said "Yeah, I remeber crossing the Delaware with old George." That is when my friend said "Wrong war pappap."

A couple of weeks ago, we had a quiz. We had graded it last week then we gave it back...

2010-05-06T22:38:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, we had a quiz. We had graded it last week then we gave it back to our teacher. When we graded it, I drew a smiley face on it. When I got it back today, the smiley face had an afro and a Dumbledore beard. I now love my Civics teacher.

Today, I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, and he tried and failed to make a winky face, and he said ";0". I pointed out that he had a funny-looking face, and he replied with "IT'S A BIRTH DEFECT YOU JERK!!!!!" I couldn't stop laughing.

Today, I was watching the Pairs Figure Skating on the Olympics, and I noticed that one of the pairs had the same last name (Zhang/Zhang). I thought it was awesome, and started wondering what the odds were that that could possibly happen. It took me the entire next day to realize that they were married.

Today, I joined a group on facebook titled, "If 1,000,000 people join, this group will have 1,000,000 people."

Today while I was looking up weird laws in Florida, I found this:If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. I'm not quite sure how this one was passed......

Today, I realized my cat will only eat his cat food if it retains its can-like shape.

Today me and my sister realized that we both eat the heads off first on animal crackers because we don't want them to suffer.

Today, I lost my phone. So like any logical person would do, I decided to call it. Confused as to why I received a busy signal. I looked down to make sure I typed the number in right. I did. I also did it on the phone I supposedly "lost". I proceded to apologize and hang up.

This morning I attempted to get out of my bed on the left side, rather than the right. The wall in the way made it rather difficult, but I spent a good 10 minutes trying.

Today after school, I was heading a meeting in the middle of the hallway. I told the...

2010-05-05T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today after school, I was heading a meeting in the middle of the hallway. I told the kids that whenever a teacher passed by, I would say something random and they would applaud. As four faculty members passed by, 2 principals and 2 teachers, I screamed "And that is how you defend yourself against a bear!" The kids all clapped, and the teachers stood in awe as one principal bowed to me. I'm glad that my school appreciates wildlife survival.

Today, my neighbors put in clappers to control their lights. Do they respond to thunder clapping occassionally? Yes.

Today, my mom told me that when i was christened my dad held me up like simba to the crowd.

Today, after watching youtube videos I plugged my iPod into my car's stereo system and drove around my neighborhood. I saw that I was coming up on some little kids and decided to use my iGun app for a "drive by". The children, playing along, fell to the ground and pretended to be dying. Now everytime I pass their house I have my iGun ready. Children or not, zombies are zombies.

Today, I almost attempted to change the channel on my computer.

Yesterday, while I was on

Yesterday I saw a banana peel on the sidewalk and almost immediately though of Super Mario Kart. Thank you God, for letting me be born in the 90s.

As I was in the car with my dad "Tik-Tok" came on. I was singing along to the part where it says "but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger". My dad is a little on the quiet side while driving, but says out of the corner of his mouth "Mick Jagger is like REALLY ugly".

Today I visited a college. It was snowing out, so on break between classes, I bought this awesome wolf hat and then proceeded to wear it on the walk to my next class. When I got there, the professor jumped up and shouted "DUDE!" He then pulled out the same hat from his bag and wore it with me for the rest of class. I am now positive this is the school for me.

Today, i went to an introduction for engineering at a university. We spent the day building lego towers and bridges as well as eating ice cream frozen with liquid nitrogen. I'm glad to see that universities really understand what teenagers really like.

Today, i went to the mall and went to a photobooth with a friend. When we came out an...

2010-05-04T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, i went to the mall and went to a photobooth with a friend. When we came out and went to grab our pictures, we saw that someone else left theirs behind. they were pictures of darth vader.

Today, I asked my mom if I could see a PG-13 movie. She answered, "No. You're only 15, which is not old enough to see a PG-13 movie." I'm nearly 16. This confirms my belief that she still thinks I'm 12.

Today, my mom started yelling at me to get out of bed, wanting to sleep more I said "I have a two hour delay this morning" (it was snowing like crazy out). My mom said ok and left me alone. I am homeschooled. She didnt realize what she had done until my brother and I were laughing about it later today.

Today, the shoes that I ordered from online came in. On the outside of the box it said, "Keep Refrigerated." Do my shoes really need to stay fresh?

Today, somebody called my house trying to sell something. I picked up the phone and started singing Bad Romance. The line went dead. I win.

Today I decided that for Lent I will give up reading

Today, I read an

A few weeks ago, a guy I know broke up with his girlfriend of about a year. Yesterday he posted a status update on Facebook saying, "it just keeps getting harder and harder." I knew he was referring to the breakup, but I couldn't resist commenting with "that's what she said." This morning, I got a notification saying he replied to my comment. He asked for my phone number.

Today I was at a stop light. There was a yellow car in front of me. I thought this wa...

2010-05-03T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today I was at a stop light. There was a yellow car in front of me. I thought this was an odd color, but then saw that it had a picture of Dorothy, the Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man in the rear window. Then I noticed the licence plate said "yllw brik rd". I desperately wanted to follow it.

Today I was playing a game online and it asked me to choose a language. Included in my choices were American, Canadian, Australian, and English. I find this intriguing.

Today, on my first day at my ski resort, I saw a ten person nerf war through the halls, and two people hopping around in bunny suits. This is going to be a good vacation.

Today me and my friend were sitting in the car when a song I like came on radio. I turned it all the way and started dancing. My friend was embarrased and tried to get me to stop when I looked over and saw a guy on a motorcycle sitting there laughing. I rolled down the window and said hey and he said that if he had a friend like me he wouldn't be hiding. He then drove away. Thanks Motorcycle guy for making my friend support me when I feel like being childish.

Today I Realized The Word "WEIRD" Doesn't Follow The "I" Before "E" Rule. Weird.

I always wear UGGS and I always slide my phone into the tiny gap between the inside of my boot and my leg. Today I was just running around and my leg started vibrating. Not remembering my phone was in my boot, I thought that my leg was having some sort of reaction. So I started shaking my whole body to get help. A guy came and started shaking with me. He told me he thought I was dancing.

I fell asleep today at around 7:22. I wake up about 5 minutes later to find a blanket on me, a pillow under my head, and my 4 year old brother singing me a lullabye. Needless to say what lullabye it was but i'll say it anyway. "I Gotta Feeling." He sang the whole song. I didn't feel like stopping him.

Today, I left a tip for a waitress in monopoly money. It was $50,000. Underneath a napkin on the table was the real tip. I watched from outside the restaurant as she cleared the table. She was more excited about the monopoly money. Next time, she gets $100,000.

Today, I was at the mall with my friends. The mall was closing earlier than usual, so we were waiting outside for our ride to come get us. While we were waiting, I saw a car that looked just like my mom's car, so I ran up to it screaming 'NO!! MOM! DON'T LEAVE ME!! I PROMISE I'LL BE GOOD!!' Turns out, that wasn't my mom's car, but my friends were entertained.

The other day I couldn't think of an answer to one of the questions on my biology test so I decided to doodle while I think. In my sparkly green pen I drew an unicorn in a field standing next to a tree with a smiley face sun floating above. When I received the test back, I was checking over it when I noticed something. My teacher had drawn a turtle standing next to my unicorn. This is why biology class is my favorite.

I was at Costco yesterday when I saw a little girl about 5 years old following her mo...

2010-05-02T22:38:00.001-07:00

I was at Costco yesterday when I saw a little girl about 5 years old following her mom. Just as I passed her, the little girl threw her arms in the air and said with great conviction "This is preposterous!!"

Today I saw a post about someone trying to go to mylifeistwilight.com and their computer wouldn't load the page. Being a curious person I tried to go to the site as well. My virus protection covered the page with a huge pop-up warning me that "This site has a poor reputation." I agree.

Today is Valentines Day. I have a running bet with my friend that this story will not be posted until sometime in April... let the counting commence!

Today I was putting my books in my locker when I overheard two 'gansta' looking guys behind me talking about how dry their hands where. One of them asked for hand lotion to which the other replied 'Apple cinnamon or mixed berry?'

Today I ate a salad without using my hands to see what it felt like to be a dinosaur.

Today I saw a homeless person holding a sign that said "NEED MONEY FOR WEED." At least he's honest.

This morning I woke up to found my blankets perfectly neat all around me, exactly the way they were when I went to sleep. I looked next to me to find my bedsheets on the floor. I am still confused.

Today, I was reading a play from the 18th Century, and it talked about Drury Lane. In the footnotes, it said Drury Lane was notorious for its number of prostitutes. I'm on to you, Muffin Man.

Today, I ran into an automatic door.

Today, i was with my boyfriend when i developed the hiccups. My hiccups are generally quite loud and annoying and my boyfriend tried his hardest to scare me and pull funny faces. After 5 minutes of constant hiccups, he screamed "I'M PREGNANT!!", causing everyone in the shop to turn round. Worked like a charm.

Today I found out that smiles are listed as one of the ingredients on Goldish. New fa...

2010-05-01T22:39:00.001-07:00

Today I found out that smiles are listed as one of the ingredients on Goldish. New favorite snack? I think so.

Today I was reading a book and was surprised to see a fatal spelling error. The main character's name, Bobby, had been misspelt to Booby. I have lost all respect for that man.

Today, I heard a joke. "All the bad spellers in the world untie!" I told my friends, they didn't get it. Even after I explained it.

Ten years ago, I won two goldfish from a carnival. They're still alive.

Today was the first time I've ever heard about Waldo, I had to google him to find out who he is. Waldo has successfully hidden from me for 15 years...well done Waldo, well done.

Today, my friend made gingerbread cookies. When I opened the Tupperware I noticed that all the legs had fallen off of them. When I asked her how she dropped the box and broke all of them, she looked at me and said,"I ripped them all off so they wouldn't run away." Makes sense.

Last summer, I went to Disney Land with my family. In one of the attractions, we ran into my second grade teacher. What was the attraction, you may ask? "Its a small world after all"

About a week ago, a teacher at my school broke the world record for most hugs in an hour, the record was 756, it is now 1,733.

Today,I realized that my upstairs phone rings quicker then all the other phones downstairs,I can just faintly hear it, and my family can't, so i just shout phone whenever i hear it before it rings downstairs, now my faimly thinks im Psychic.

Today, I saw a picture of my 10 year old cousin from last Halloween. His friends were dressed as a pirate and a princess. He was dressed as a vending machine.

Today I went to the dentist and was getting my teeth x-rayed. The hygienist pressed t...

2010-04-28T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today I went to the dentist and was getting my teeth x-rayed. The hygienist pressed the button that took the picture. I said aloud "Oh shoot, I blinked." Then I remembered it didn't matter.

Today in class my friend turned around and said loudly, "I'm gonna punch you" to an obnoxious kid. The teacher glanced in their direction, then said, "I'll look away" and turned around. I think that's my new favorite teacher.

The other day I walked by a store in the mall. They were having a sale on all bottoms. They're advertisement? "Its a great time to get into our pants."

Today, i was voted most likely to become a ninja in for my school's yearbook. My parents have never been more proud.

Today my mom asked me how long the show, 60 Minutes was. she was dead serious.

The other day there was an article in the paper about Hitler's book being published. My one friend didn't understand how this could be possible because Hitler has been dead for years. The rest of us at the table thought it would be funny to try to convince her that Hitler is alive and has been in hiding all these years. It worked.

Today in my bio class we were swabbing cheek cells and looking at them under the microscope, and one girl called the teacher over cause she didnt know what something was. The teacher then identified it as a sperm cell, then said "i hope he enjoyed it."

Yesterday, a sub in my english class was being a real jerk to me for no apparent reason. I said with a straight face, "Sir, I believe you're discriminating me. It's 'cause I'm black, huh?" He looked at me really confused. I'm pale white.

Today, I was reading an article on suicide. I came across a sentence that said, "Suicide is fatal." Thanks for clearing that up, health website.

Today, I went to Starbucks to get whipped cream in a cup, cause of what I read on here. Not only was it free, but the guy also put caramel on it, I was literally skipping back to school.

Today, my sister and I were at a ballet performance.While we were there we ran into a...

2010-04-27T22:36:00.001-07:00

Today, my sister and I were at a ballet performance.While we were there we ran into a little girl with a Disney princess sticker on, so my sister asked her "awww do you like Disney princesses?" The little girl barked back NO, ripped the sticker off, and ate it.

Today I joined in on the Google vs Yahoo (and now, vs Bing) war. I asked "What do I do if..." And Yahoo came up with "...if my ipod freezes?"; Bing came up with the same. Google came up with, "What do I do if a ginger kid bites me?" I laughed and asked my dad what would happen. He said I'd get gingivitis.

Today in my American history class we played trench warfare. This included: the teacher yelling at us like a drill sergeant, an epic paper ball fight between two trenches, bad acting and people fake dying. Pretty much, today was epic. Save for when the opposing team nailed me in the forehead with a paper ball.

When I was younger I used to walk around the flood drains on street corners. The reason? My mother said Pennywise the Clown used to live down there; just to keep me from playing around them. To this day I still walk around them.

Last week I took a test. I didn't know the answer to one of the questions, so I drew a picture of Voldemort pointing his wand at the question and shouting "Avada Kedavra!" In the answer space I wrote "I cannot answer this question because it died." when I got the test back, my teacher had written "dodges" in red ink and counted it incorrect. She also put a "you're awesome!" sticker by the question. I actually wasn't too disappointed.

Today I realized that my excitement for college has nothing to do with more independence or freedom. I'm excited to go to college because I'll be able to call all of my teachers "Professor," like in Harry Potter.

Today, I was getting ice out of our refrigerator's ice machine when a clothes pin fell into my glass. I'm still confused.

I just found out today that there is a disease called "Tight Pants Syndrome" I am so going up to my guy friend who wears skinny jeans tomorrow and tell him he is going to get TPS.

I was typing an essay for english today and was pleased with how much progress I had made in such a short time, so I went on

Today, I was looking through some comments on

Today I was talking to my friend, and I was telling him that my phone was about to di...

2010-04-26T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today I was talking to my friend, and I was telling him that my phone was about to die so he told me to put it on life support... I will never call it "charging my phone" ever again.

Today my little brother didnt want to go to school because he didnt feel well. He said he drank too much apple juice last night and was in a hangover. I think my brother is turning out to be an awesome person.

Today, I was shadowing at a high school I was thinking of going to but was leaning towards no. Suddenly a girl walked up to me and said "Hello, would you like to wear my cape?" She reached into her hello kitty back pack and pulled out a harry potter cape. I think I know what high school I'm going to.

Today, I told my mom that I would only eat sandwiches if she did something special to them. Guess who now has dinosaur-shaped sandwiches?

Today, I changed the way my boyfriend's name appears in my contact list on Skype. Now, whenever he signs on, Skype politely says "your insanely sexy boyfriend is online".

Today my aunt asked me if there was nonfat water.

Today i convinced my friend that "phallic" meant "artistic". THe look on her teacher's face when she used it in art next period... PRICELESS.

Today I went shopping with my mum for the all family, and she accidently gave my new bras bag to my 7 years old brother with the rest of his clothes. When he realized it, he came up to her saying "Thanks mum, but I don't think I need those yet. I love my brother.

The other day I came across an

Today I zoned out in class. Next thing I know I hear my teacher exclaim, "It would be orgasms galore!" I wish I had been paying attention.

Today, I was late for school. As the light turned green at an intersection. I saw an ...

2010-04-21T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I was late for school. As the light turned green at an intersection. I saw an old car run their red light. The driver was a fully outfitted nun. I was laughing too hard to be mad that she cut me off.

Today, I was furiously trying to wrap my blanket around me so i could finish typing my essay. As soon as i was all wrapped up and cozy, i start to type and my arms get really cold. The only thing i could say was "I wish i had a frigging Snuggie right now!!" My roommate then walks in and says i keep them in the closet. I had no idea my roommate secretly hoarded Snuggies.

Today, I was watching a movie on my computer. It was on my windows media player so it would just play over and over if I left it on. While I was watching, I fell asleep. A couple hours later, I woke up and saw that it was at the part that I fell asleep on so I just continued watching.

Today, I popped some popcorn in the microwave. When I finished eating the bag, I noticed every single kernel had popped. My life goal is completed.

Today, during Physics, a couple kids out in the hall skipping class were being really loud, interrupting our class. My teacher, yelling in anger, then grabs the fire extinguisher and runs into the hall continuously spraying them with the flame retardent. I love my Physics teacher.

Today, during choir we were learning a song. The teacher split guys and girls up and foolishly trusted the boys in a tiny practice room...alone while he helped us. The practice room walls are very thin. 10 minutes later the band teacher asks what they are supposed to be doing. Our teacher replies "They are supposed to be singing oh susanna, why?" he replied "Because I can hear them shouting 'A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh' and screaming like girls." I have never had more love and respect for these boys.

Today, it snowed a lot and most of it turned to ice. So, being the bored people we are, my brother and I decided to make an igloo because the roads were iced down. I was doing a slow job because it was super cold outside. Then my brother yells "Hurry up! The people in Alaska do this all the time! We need a place to sleep outside!". I'm going to miss him when he goes to college in a couple of months.

Today, I decided to see how much money it would take to fill my bedroom with ball pit balls. After finding out that it would take an outrageous amount of money, my dad suggested I save $5 a week until I have enough money. It's going to take 12 years, but now I know what I'm doing for my 28th birthday.

Today, my alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escaladed. Now I'm awake and it's broken. I'm not sure who won the fight.

Today in my Math Analysis class my teacher was in the middle of explaining a really complicated problem when one of my classmates raised his hand and asked "but how is this going to help us take over the world" and then my teacher said, "Well Pinky.." and without missing a beat he answered back "Yes Brain?"

I read an Today, I discovered that our school's fire alarm does not work. I did not...

2010-04-18T22:37:00.001-07:00

I read an

Today, I discovered that our school's fire alarm does not work. I did not tell the principle because then he'd ask me how I knew.

Today my professor asked the class to get quiet because she could not concentrate with all the little voices. The thing is, no one was talking.

Today, my roommate told me to go to stanfordrejects.com. Expecting sob stories about not getting into Stanford, I tried it. It took me to Berkley's website. I smiled.

Today, as I was walking through Target, I saw those cute little shoes in baby-size. While my mom and friend were fawning over them, I pointed out that the shoe companies spend and make thousands of dollars making and selling shoes for people who can't even walk yet. While my mom and friend were giving me looks of awe, an employee came up and high-fived me, so thankful that he, "wasn't the only one to see the irony!" We have a date tomorrow.

Today, I was talking to my dad about how a small lunch-sized carton of soy milk is a dollar. "I mean, you can get three pounds of oranges for a dollar" I said, gesturing to our orange basket. "Yeah", he said, "but you can't drink oranges". I then introduced him to a revolutionary beverage called 'orange juice'.

I live in residence and decided to buy a NERF sword. At first people thought this was strange until I showed off my skills and deflected shots from an actual NERF gun. Not only do several other people on my floor have swords now, my roomate bought me a NERF shield. Best roomate ever.

Today, I saw someone leave a banana peel on the sidewalk outside of the corner store. Some guy walked out with his pants really low and fell on it. I didn't know what to laugh at. Him falling or the fact that he still wore spongebob boxers.

The other day, i was bored in biology so i wrote on the desk, "I'm watching you". Well, today when i looked at the desk again, someone wrote, "I have been watching you longer.. just look up" I looked up.

Today I wondered how a male lady bug feels.

Today, I was driving home with a friend when a little boy in the car in front of us t...

2010-04-13T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I was driving home with a friend when a little boy in the car in front of us turned around in his seat and waved. I waved back. Soon, the little boy's family joined in and we made faces, had dance contests, and held convos in sign language for a solid hour and a half. Thank you random people for making my ride fun.

My friends and I just watched Dawn of The Dead, despite the fact that we are both pansies and can't stand horror. As we both stumbled into the kitchen, my friend's mom jumped at us from inside the pantry. My first reaction was to punch. Thankfully, her first reaction was to catch my hand. I'm still not sure which of us is more ninja.

Today, I was at walmart. I saw these tank tops that were so thin that you could see through them and wondered who would wear something like that. I then noticed that they were from the Miley Cyrus line. Everything makes sense now.

Today in health class we watched a video about how you should get more sleep. So I slept through the video.

Today at lunch, I showed my friend a picture I found on the internet that said "Friends buy you lunch, best friends eat yours." My friend then proceeded to grab my lunch and run off. I spent the entire lunch hour trying to get it back from her.

Today, I found out that when the space shuttle empties its human waste the waste usually gets pulled by Earth's gravitational pull and burns while passing through the atmosphere. I may have been wishing on burning space poop all my life.

Today, I was watching The Little Mermaid and at the beginning Flounder and Ariel are checking out an old ship wreck. Flounder doesn't want to go in and says "it looks damp in there." I wonder what damp means to mer-people and how did I never notice this before?

I work at Build A Bear workshop and I was helping a little boy dress his bear in a fire-fighter outfit. As soon as it was dressed he yells "Your hair is on fire!!!" And proceeded to put it out with his bears hose.. I asked if it was out and he tapped me on the head and said "Your good kiddo"

Today when I opened my bag of Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, I realized it consisted of about 20 T-Rex's and only a handful of Stegasaurus's. I decided that it was simply a classic example of Survival of the fittest.

Lately, I've been reading these

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. It got canceled because the doctor was sick. T...

2010-04-11T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. It got canceled because the doctor was sick.

Today, I was listening to a Kanye West song. Then my phone interrupted the song because it started ringing. I have a Taylor Swift ringtone.

Today, our school librarian was teaching our class about how you can trust some things on the internet. She showed us a page about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide(deadly when inhaled, in acid rain, ect.). Because of

Today I realized that my first doctor's name was Dr. Pain. My current doctor is Dr. Butcher. I'm scared of who my next doctor will be...

Today, my 17 year old sister sent me a text saying "we're watching spongebob in A.P psychology to try and find out his character traits and intents. Jealous?" I was. I was quite jealous.

Today, I bought a necklace. The warning label said "Do not wear around neck, as this product can cause strangulation and death". So where am I supposed to wear it?

Today in Science class we watched a short video about the collapse of the Tacoma Bridge. While it showed the bridge shaking and starting to collapse a girl asked, "So was this is America?". The girl sitting next to her said, "Obviously it's in America, idiot! Other countries don't have bridges!" Everyone stared at her and our teacher had to replay the video because we missed the whole part where the bridge actually collapsed.

I keep a board game called "quelf" in my locker at school- just in case boredom strikes a classroom. However, every morning, I notice that the things in my locker have moved from where I put them the afternoon before. Today I went back to school after hours to find a group of teachers in the science lab playing quelf.

Today, I proved to my best friend that our history teacher is blind to students who answer questions at the beginning of class. After answering an easy question I proceeded to pull out my iPod and watch a movie for the rest of class. No one noticed but my friend.

Today, I realized that if all those "Find Out Who's Creepin On Your Profile" apps work, I'm screwed.

Today I came back home after a long road trip. On my way through the city, the song T...

2010-04-09T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today I came back home after a long road trip. On my way through the city, the song The Boys are Back in Town started playing. Glad to know the radio thinks I'm that important.

Today, I was playing a pirate board game with my friends. I lost all my dubloons and sunk my ship, so my friends made me walk the plank into my pool fully clothed as they threatened me with plastic swords. We play for keeps.

Last night, i was watching american idol with my parents. When Katy Perry came on as the guest judge my mom asked who she was. I told her it was Katy Perry. My mom still didn't know who she was and asked again. My dad answered "she kissed a girl...and she liked it". My dad is awesome.

Today, I was walking past a class when I heard someone shout, "DID YOU PUT MAYONNAISE IN MY DRINK WHILE I WASN'T LOOKING, YES OR NO?" The person was dead serious.

Today I was sitting in the library with a friend trying doing homework. For thirty minutes we ended up watching a squirrel carry leaves up a tree then run back to get more. We think he is building a fort.

Today, one of my friends was scolding another friend for eating eggs. He replied with, "This egg wasn't fertilized. It was never going to hatch. I'm basically just eating a chicken's period." Made my day.

Today, I was eating fruit snacks when I got one that was pineapple shaped. I was eating smiley face fruit snacks.

I'll bet you aren't doing your homework. Don't worry, neither am I.

Today, while I was walking with my best friend to lunch someone a few people in front of us threw an eraser. It hit my friend on the forehead, and landed in her shirt pocket. I started laughing, and she had no idea that it had happened.

Today I sat down and reached for my seatbelt. It wasn't there. I was in English class.

Today, I had a conversation with a friend. We were debating about something very lame...

2010-04-08T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I had a conversation with a friend. We were debating about something very lame. In a desperate moment of frustration, he said to me, "Ellen, not everything in life is debatable." My reply? "...well, that's debatable."

Today i noticed that written on the directions for use on my shampoo bottle, the manufacturer had simply put 'durr, it's shampoo'. I suddenly feel very stupid for even looking.

Today, my friends and I were eating Lays chips. We decided they should have made the slogan "Get Layed".

Sometimes when I go to write the word 'please', my mind corrects it to the word 'pleasure'.

Today I realized my Boyfriends initials are Z.A.C. his name is Zach, I find this to be very convenient.

Today, I realized that when I want to emphasize a point over the internet, I hit the keys harder, the problem is, this doesn't do anything.

Today, I checked the mail in between classes. My Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles DVDs came. I didn't go to my next class.

Tonight at 11:30 my dad walked into the room when I was on the phone with a girl I really like. I've got a "no phone in the room" policy, so I quickly hid it under my pillow. He asked me if I was on the phone, so I picked up the Garfield book in front of me and said, "No, I was yelling at Garfield. He's so stupid." Apparently that's a plausible excuse for a fourteen year old boy to be talking and laughing in the middle of the night.

Today, we had a blood drive at our school. On the sign-in sheet for blood type, I wrote mudblood with a frowny face.

Today, I had forgotten to eat breakfast, so I sneakily stole a Nutrigrain bar from my friend's band locker. Turns out it wasn't my friend's locker. It was our drum major's. He left me a note in my locker that said "I know you're the one that ate it. And I like your yellow jacket.(:"

Today my school had a lockdown drill. We had all hid under the benches in our science...

2010-04-05T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today my school had a lockdown drill. We had all hid under the benches in our science lab, turned off all the lights etc... Two minutes we heard the door open and in burst two people in wearing ninja masks and holding nerf guns. After shooting each person in the room the men took off their masks to reveal our principal and vice principal. Turns out they were testing if every person had successfully locked the door and the secured the room. Best school day ever.

Today, I was eating sunflower seeds and spitting the shells into a cup that I had. As I was putting some shells into the cup, one sunflower seed that I hadn't opened yet fell into the cup. Aggrivated, I dumped out the shells and began looking for the one sunflower seed. When I finally found it and opened it up, there was no seed inside.

Today my boyfriend told me he loves me. He wrote it out in lilies (my favorite flower) on farmville. I'm glad he knows what I look at first when on the computer.

Today I was at the mall, and I saw an ad for a shirt that had a picture of Waldo on it, with a caption that said "Where's Waldo?" on the front. Of course I had to get it in honor of

Today, I drew complete faces on a few of my outlet plug things with markers. Now, I feel bad when I plug things in because it looks like I'm poking their eyes out.

Today, I posted a status on Facebook in all capital letters. My brother commented that my "Billy Mays button" was stuck. I'm never calling it a Caps Lock button again.

Today, while driving home from the mall, I drove past a person who had duct-taped their headlights to their car. And they say duct-tape doesn't fix everything...

Today, my volleyball team was playing a game. During the play that would win us the game, the other team hit the ball over and I went for the ball. It missed my hands, but hit my shoe, and bounced high enough so that my teammates could get it back over the net and win the game. Everyone cheered, even the other team. My coach took a picture of my shoe.

Today in geometry, I asked my teacher for help on an assignment. She manipulated the equation so the numbers could be multilpied and said, "There. Now they can play with themselves." I laughed. She didn't. It got awkward fast.

When I was young, my sunday school teacher tried to illustrate how decietful the devil is by tempting us to take the red candy after she instructed us not to. The next week she taught us about trust and asked, "Do you trust me?" My brother said, "NO! You're the devil!!!" He's still that awesome.

Today I actually weighed the creme of a normal Oreo and a doubled stuffed Oreo. I wa...

2010-04-03T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today I actually weighed the creme of a normal Oreo and a doubled stuffed Oreo. I was dissapointed to find that the double stuffed Oreo was exacly double the normal Oreo. Now I can't call in to complain and get free Oreos.

Today I decided to look at the tag on my bra. It read 90% cotton and 20% spandex. I'm glad to know my little A cups are being supported 110%.

Today I went to the car wash. I had my iPod sitting on top of my dashboard when a giant spray of water came from no where. I quickly grabbed my iPod to save it from getting wet, but then I realized I was in my car and there was a windshield between my iPod and the water.

Today, I was talking to my 7 year old sister about different acronyms and abbreviations that teenagers use. I told her about IDK meaning 'I don't know' she then proceeded to point out that it could also stand for 'I do know'. I never thought about it that way.

Today I was in Blockbuster and I wanted to get the movie "Knocked Up". My mom said no so I yelled "But MOM! I Wanna get KNOCKED UP!". Soon after I realized what I'd just said.

Last night, my dad made popcorn chicken for me and my sisters for dinner. There wasn't enough popcorn chicken for the three of us, so he made some dinosaur chicken nuggets too. I proceeded to use the popcorn chicken as meteors and reenacted the extinction of the dinosaurs. Dinner well spent.

Yesterday, in theatre class, we were reciting love/hate quotes from Shakespear and translating them into something we would say today. One of the translations was "baby, your so hot you teach fire how to burn" nice to know pick-up lines evolved from Shakespeare.

Today, I met twins called Summer and Autumn. I felt sorry for them because their surname was Winter.

Today, my sister and I were playing Hide and Seek. Every time it was my turn to hide, I hid in the shower. After the first time, my sister assumed I wouldn't hide there again. I was able to hide there four times before she realized what I was doing and decided to look there first.

Today i was in the car and at a stop sign. Then I saw a squirrel on the edge of the road. It looked both ways and then he ran across the street. Glad to know others know to stop look and listen too.

Today, I read a Today, I went to a pottery place to check it out. My mom was talkin...

2010-03-27T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I read a

Today, I went to a pottery place to check it out. My mom was talking to the guy there and said that she was a huge pot lady. The guy said "I was too...but it made my eyes all red and itchy so I decided to quit." My mom didn't notice, but I decided he deserved a high-five.

About a year ago, I had about seven girls over. As each one arrived we would ambush them and take their picture. With one girl left to arrive, the doorbell rang. Unfortunately, we forgot we ordered pizza. Not only have I never seen a pizza man this scared. I photographic evidence.

Today, I was waiting for the metro when I heard the intercom come on. Expecting the typical "please stand behind the yellow line" speech, instead I heard "Attention, passengers. The yellow area on the station platfor is a special waiting area for stupid people." Needless to say, it made my day.

Today I was getting on the bus. The driver asked to see my student I.D. I accidentally pulled a condom out of my wallet instead. He saw it, nodded and let me on. I still don't know what to think.

Today, a boy in my social studies class fell asleep on his desk. My teacher had us all go out into the hallway, while he turned off the lights and got his briefcase. He woke up the boy and told him that he had slept past the bell and everyone else had gone home. The look on this kid's face was priceless. Best teacher EVER.

Today, I drove past a vet's office. The name of the office was "Animal and Bird Hospital". I was uninformed that birds were not considered animals.

Today, when I went skiing, I saw a man dressed up in a banana suit snowboarding down the mountain. Twenty seconds later I saw a man in a gorilla suit chasing after it.

I am from England and have recently moved to America. I was doing an assignment for school where you have to go around houses and ask a few questions. Naturally, I have an English accent. The first four houses slammed the door in my face and then the fifth told me to do a more convincing English because no one would believe I was English. Therefore, I decided to use an Italian accent. 12 people answered my questions.

Today my sister and I got in a fight. She turned to me and shouted "I got a golden ticket!" I turned to her and smiled while saying "I got an acceptance letter to Hogwarts!" We all know who won.

Today, I fell asleep on my bed for about half an hour. I awoke to a loud thunderstorm...

2010-03-25T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I fell asleep on my bed for about half an hour. I awoke to a loud thunderstorm, and still being half asleep, I thought we were being bombed. For some reason I felt this was an appropriate time to sprint into the shower. How this is a form of protection, I'm not so sure.

Today, I was listening to my iPod on shuffle when the song "Falling Down" came on. I wasn't in the mood to listen to it, so I went to the next song. It was "Get Up". I laughed.

Today, my friend told me she drew a picture of a ninja and left it in my locker. Excited, I ran to my locker to see the picture. It was a blank piece of paper. Touche.

Today, i saw a sign that said "we specialize in round black tires" I guess I'll have to go somewhere else for my square white tires.

Today, I found a typo in my history exam. It said: "For what reasons did China have to protect its elf from the mongols?". I wrote "Because China's elf was easily insulted". I got full credit.

Today for my youth group we were having Pizza Olympics. We called three differnt pizza place to see which one would arive first. The look on the dilvery peoples faces when they came in the door to 50 screaming and cheering kids? Priceless.

Today, I found out my dad was expelled from school in grade 5 for selling wine to his classmates. I feel more badass just for being related to him.

Today, I was watching Jeopardy with my family. I hate watching it because I never know the answers, but today one of their subjects was Disney movies. I got every one right.

Today we played Apples to Apples during lunch at school. Someone announced the card that they had just drawn; Car Horns. It wasn't very funny until we read the description, which was "BLOW IT, BUDDY!" At that moment, our teacher walked by and whispered "That's what she said".

Today, I was watching a TV show on my computer when it became very suspenseful. I was staring at the screen, waiting for something to pop up in the background when I saw a face. I started to freak out before I realized that I was looking at my own reflection.

Today, while at my job at a convenience store, I was telling a man his total, which h...

2010-03-24T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, while at my job at a convenience store, I was telling a man his total, which happened to be $14.92. I immediately thought of elementary history class and broke into the little rhyme, "In 14 hundred 92, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!" as I gave him is change back. Noboday sang with me. Nobody high fived. It was just akward.

Today, my fried updated his facebok status to this "wonders why we go to school if education is knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption leads to crime, and crime doesn't pay?" I now have a new outlook on school.

Today, we had a sub in spanish class. I really hate my normal teacher, so i was basically jumping for joy. While my friend came into the classroom, i told her, "Wow, i really love subs!" She exclaimed, "ME TOO!" then pulled out a sub sandwhich out of her purse and began to eat it.

A few days ago, I read an

Today, in my Bible class my teacher was talking about how we are going to turn in an assignment tomorrow. He was discussing how he was going to grade it and said "If you are a good Christian I will give you an "A" but if you aren't I will "F"- you." The best part is that he didn't realize it until it was too late. My whole class couldn't concentrate the rest of the period.

Today, I participated in my school's spelling bee. While others were getting words like draconian or acquittal, I got skedaddle. I asked for the language of origin, and the judge replied, "Well, uh, the origin is unknown. It just kinda came out of nowhere and popped up to save the day. Just like a ninja." I got it right because of her.

Today I saw a commercial for that thing that let's you make giant cupcakes. I wondered why no one had thought of this before. Then I realized they have invented such a thing. It's called a cake.

Today, since I'm the quiet girl in class, I decided to have fun with some really obnoxious students. A guy turned to a girl and jokingly asked her, "Hey. You got any cocaine?" They both had a laugh about it, but I turned around with a very serious face and looked the boy in the eyes. I asked him, "How much are you looking to spend?" His face was absolutely priceless.

Today I realised that when I read a sentence all in caps lock, the voice in my head doesn't yell. Instead it barks out the sentence military style in a German accent.

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom with a wet shoe. When I asked what happened he said he tried to kick the handle of the toilet "to flush it like a ninja". He slipped.

Today, I found a group on facebook called 'Did anyone else think 'Hey Arnold's' Untuc...

2010-03-23T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I found a group on facebook called 'Did anyone else think 'Hey Arnold's' Untucked Shirt was really a kilt?'. I did. I really did. And now I don't know what to believe anymore.

When my boyfriend whistles, it sounds exactly like our school bell. Today during lunch, he whistled and half of the table got up and started walking out. They realized that no one else was getting up and sat back down. He whistled again, and the other half of the table got up. After this, the entire lunchroom was in total confusion until the real bell rang.

Today, I was looking for a pen. I still don't know why I first checked in the dishwasher.

I went bowling in Sweden a while back, and when i bowled my last ball the screen flashed and displayed the word Slut.
I thought someone was playing a joke, until one of the Swedes told me that the word means 'end' or 'finish'.

Whenever a new couple forms at our school we combine their names and then call them by that new name for the rest of the term. Today, we were discussing this when I realised that my ex-boyfriend and I would have been McLovin. It was a good moment.

Last month, someone stole my lawn gnome. I've been waiting to find it in my yard with pictures of adventures. Now I think someone just stole it.

Today, I noticed that whenever I get undressed in my room, my cat hides behind my bed untill I'm dressed. How thoughtful.

Today, I noticed the tag on one of my pillows said "NOT FOR CHILDREN MADE IN CHINA" My parents have never been to China, which means I now know its safe for me to use my pillow.

Last semester, on my way to Campus, I saw a big truck with two bumper stickers. One said "Bring back the Death Penalty" and the other said "Eat what you kill". Cannibals are among us people, Beware.

Today, I saw a homeless man chain his shopping cart to a bike rack.

Today I was looking up weird phobias and I discovered that there is a phobia known as...

2010-03-22T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today I was looking up weird phobias and I discovered that there is a phobia known as Linonophobia, which is the fear of string. All day I've been wondering how these people can wear clothing.

Today, I went to Publix to buy bread. I was in the bakery section when I saw that they were giving out cookies to little kids. Me being 27 years old, I couldn't get one. I thought I was smart when I tried to tell the bakery woman that my daughter wanted a cookie, and pointed to a little girl. It worked.

The other day i read an

Today, in class we had to make clever signs with crayons and paper encouraging other students to take the class next year. (PS were juniors) Everyone wrote something like "Take this class because its easy and fun." I wrote... "Take this class and learn to talk to unicorns" with an insane picture of a Unicorn with added sparkle. I just received a note from a guidance counselor saying that it was one of the most convincing shes ever seen and 11 people are taking it because of my poster...

Today, I read an

Today I tested the durability of my ugly school uniform. I poured water on it, and it didn't absorb. I poured paint on it, and my uniform still proved to be indestructible. It's not flammable either.

Today, I realized "dammit I'm mad" is the same backwards as it is forwards.

Today i used math in real life. I killed a fly with my textbook, i will never doubt my math teacher again.

Today in class my teacher asked us if we knew why it's called virgin olive oil. Of course we didn't so he yelled, "Because they haven't been squeezed!" The class lost it and he got embarrassed when he realized what he'd said.

Today, while walking in the mall, I passed an old woman who was looking at the giant paintings of Edward Cullen. I heard her say, "I don't even like regular vampires, so I don't think I'd like premature, sparkly vampires." I turned and said "Damn right," and we fist bumped. You go, old lady.

Today, I was trying to get to failblog.org. I ended up spelling it wrong 5 times. Iro...

2010-03-20T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, I was trying to get to failblog.org. I ended up spelling it wrong 5 times. Irony.

Today I went into a public bathroom... Something fell out of my pocket. Upset, I muttered "Jesus christ!" then I hear from the stall next to me, "yes my child?"

Today, I was at the store, and instead of saying "paper or plastic?" the checker said "Kill a tree or strangle a bird?"

Today, my mom was telling me stories from when i was younger. Apparently one day my mom woke up to me petting her telling her she was a good puppy.

Today, I came home from school and petted my dog on his head and told him he was a good dog, so he put his paw on my head. Apparently I was being a good human.

Today, before I took a shower I grabbed a random towel off the shelf. When I got out of the shower I realized I was drying myself with a Harry Potter towel. On his face. I feel exposed.

Today in biology we were learning about asexual and sexual reproduction. When the teacher asked us the advantages of using sexual reproduction the quiet kid simply said 'more fun'.

Today, one of my classmates' phone vibrated. My teacher said "Turn off your vibrator."

Yesterday, I was playing scrabble on my itouch with my boyfriend. He used the word "hate" which was 7 points. I used the word "hug" which was 14. Even scrabble thinks giving hugs is twice as good as giving hate to people.

Today, while reading

Yesterday I went to throw something out. On top of everything I noticed bubble wrap.

2010-03-18T22:37:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to throw something out. On top of everything I noticed bubble wrap. This in and of itself is terrible, but to make matters worse, it was green bubble wrap. Needless to say I rescued it and scolded my mom for being wasteful.

Today my roommate took a Facebook quiz that I made about how well people know me. One of the questions asked "what is my room number?" He got it wrong.

Today, I ate parts of gummy bears and attached the uneaten parts to other gummy bears, making multicoloured monster gummy bears.

Today I read a

Today, at school, we took eye tests. We had to fill out a paper first. On the paper, it said to circle your gender, followed by the choices 'Boy, Girl, or Bunny'. I picked bunny.

Today, I learned Bill Nye is in fact NOT a science guy, Just an actor. A little piece of me died.

Today, I found out a group of unicorns is called a blessing. It would definitely be a blessing to see a blessing of unicorns.

My friends all converse in British accents, to the point where tourists actually think that they are from Britain. I cannot speak in a British accent, but I do enjoy shattering the illusion by loudly testifying in a Scottish accent.

Today, I read that Anteaters prefer termites to ants. Oh the irony.

After I saw Sherlock Homes I heard this girl doing a terrible British accent. As I walked by her I shook my head and said "Bloody Americans." Her face was priceless.

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and we weren't speaking, but he noticed

2010-03-17T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and we weren't speaking, but he noticed I kept giggling randomly, and finally he just asked, "You're on

Today, I was talking to my friend, Simon, on MSN messenger with the webcam on. Everytime, he typed something, it came out as "Simon says...". I felt compelled to do everything he told me to. I didn't want to lose.

Today I realized that my grandmother's only two brothers are named Mario and Luigi. I found this epic. However, it took me 20 years to realize this.

About four years ago, I was talking to a girl from my class in the library. She knew my name, but I couldn't remember hers, so, trying to avoid embarrassment, I asked if I could call her Pez. Today, people still call her Pez. I feel accomplished.

Today, I put my phone in a zip lock feezer baggy,and then proceeded to text in the shower.

Today I went to my sister's friends house to pick up my sister. I just left the car in neutral and only put the parking break on. My brake decided to quit on me and I look over and see my car rolling down the hill towards someone's yard. I sprinted, ripped open the door, and slammed on the brake just before it went into their yard. For about twelve seconds I felt like I was in a movie.

Today, I clicked on the link on the sidebar of

Today, I was feeding my pet fish Oscar. He went to eat his flake of fish food and missed. Thinking nothing of it he tried again and missed. He started to get angry and lunged at the food missing completely. I believe I have just witnessed an epic fish fail.

Today, I was having a really terrible day. I texted my older brother and told him about it. He usually never replies when I text him, but instead he sent me the chimpmunk version of "Bad Day" and said "Everything's gonna be ok. The chimpmunks said so." I instantly smiled. Best brother ever? I think so.

Yesterday, during homeroom our school pictures came back in. Instead of comparing each others pictures and handing them out to each other, we played with the bubble wrap they came in for 45 minutes. We're high school seniors.

Today as I was walking down the stairs in my dorm I noticed four guys. Three guys wer

2010-03-16T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today as I was walking down the stairs in my dorm I noticed four guys. Three guys were doing the macarena up the stairs while the fourth guy was holding a laptop playing the song.

Last Tuesday, I was humming "Be a Man" from Mulan during European history. Most of the girls during class joined in, much to the irritation of our male classmates. Deciding that they needed to get back at us, on Wednesday, all the boys sang "Man! I Feel Like A Woman", complete with high pitched voices. They were halfway through, when the district superintendent walked in. I love school.

Today, I opened my bedroom door and the squeak sounded like it was whistling at me. I felt pretty.

Today I realized that weird doesn't follow the "I before E except after C" rule, thus classifying the word itself as "weird".

Today, I dried a towel with another towel.

Today, I was in Safeway and I decided to walk up to someone and pretend that I knew them. So I went up to a random girl, put my arm around her neck, and said "Oh my gosh, hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" Turns out, we were best friends in kindergarten, but then she moved. Now she's back and we're back in touch. The embarrassing part? I couldn't remember where I knew her from, so I had to play along.

Today, I was talking to my friend on the phone and I said that my parents could hear everything I was saying, my mom shouted to me that that wasn't true. Nice mom, nice.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the stall of a bathroom next to a baby changing station. After reading it, I burst into laughter. Someone had torn off the "C". It now read: "Baby Hanging Station". Poor kids.

Today, my little sister had a friend over. We have a door in our basement that goes directly outside to a cold Chicago winter. When my sister's friend asked what was behind it, my sister's answer? "Narnia." The look on the little girl's face when she opened the door to find snow was priceless.

Today, I was sleeping with my cat when my alarm went off, I groaned not looking forward to lifting my head to shut it off when she stretched and hit the snooze on the touch screen. All day I've been filled with the satisfaction of knowing we're made for each other.

Today, while I was looking through the mail, I found a "$1 off" coupon for the Dollar

2010-03-14T22:38:00.001-07:00

Today, while I was looking through the mail, I found a "$1 off" coupon for the Dollar Store. Doesn't that make it free?

I usually wear glasses and today was one of the first days I wore my contacts instead. Through out the day, I naturally brought my hand up to the bridge of my nose to push my glasses up or to my cheek to adjust them. I got a lot of weird looks apart from one guy who said, "New contacts?"

Today, a stranger on the elevator sneezed. She said thank you before I said bless you. It was awkward.

Today I ripped open my shirt because the zipper goes down really easily and i told my sister it made me feel like a super hero. She looked at me and told me it just made me look like a stripper.

Today I took a shower. It took me 5 minutes to realize I still had my underwear on.

Today, I realized that every night I go to bed with socks on but wake up with none on. I was curious to where all my socks were ending up. I proceeded to lift up my bed sheets and look at the very end of my bed. My findings? 38 socks.

Today, I got my statement from Geico. After doing the math, I found that I only saved 14.28% on my car insurance. I feel cheated.

Today my sister decided to ask my dad if he had ever smoked pot. His response? "Why, do you need me to hook you up?" My sister was speechless and I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.

Today, my mom kissed my brother awake. He then slapped her and said, "Oh sorry I thought you were Dad."

Today I had to sneeze. When I sneeze I tend to squeak at the end. So as usual I squeaked but this one was REALLY loud. A few people laughed, a few people said "bless you" but then I hear: "Who kicked the chihuahua?!" Funniest part of my day.

Today, my friend tried to tell me a Spanish joke. In a Swedish accent. In the middle

2010-03-14T15:44:00.001-07:00

Today, my friend tried to tell me a Spanish joke. In a Swedish accent. In the middle of a French lesson.

Today, I went to see the new Disney movie Princess and the Frog. My friend commented on how she wanted to buy it on DVD when it came out. I want it on VHS so the rest of my Disney movies won't feel like they're lesser movies.

Today I learned that when I was five, during Thanksgiving when the whole family was visiting, I took a wine glass, filled it with water and used food coloring to make it look exactly like wine. I then took this into the room with all the adults, chugged it, and laughed hysterically while everyone freaked out. I was awesome.

Today, I got kicked out of the supermarket for climbing in the trolley and having my sister push me around whilst doing the shopping. We filled the trolley up with food, with me hidden underneath. As we pulled up to the check-out, I jumped out, yelling 'Suprise!'
We were escorted off the premises.

Today I realized that I sing "Jaws" in my head to make me swim faster.

The other day after school I saw a car that looked like my mum's. So, I shoved all my bags into the boot, walked around and climbed into the front passenger seat. While I fumbled with my seatbelt, I proceeded to tell her about my day and about this girl in my science class who took my idea for a project. I turned around only to see that it wasn't my mum, it was an eighty year old woman who was completely absorbed in my story. Before I could make an excuse and leave, she said gravely, 'Did you pummel her?'. I think I may have to adopt this woman.

Today my teacher was reading aloud our novel in class, she came to a part in the book where it says "AAHHHHHHHHH!" So she screamed at the top of her lungs and continued reading. Another teacher from down the hall came to see if everything was okay.

Today, my stomach growled. My dog growled back.

Today, I saw a bulletin in the library asking people to write down short anonymous confessions. One near the top read "I can't be trusted with microwaves." I spent several minutes wondering what this person had done.

Today, my mom asked me if I wanted dinner. I asked her what my options were, and she just said: Yes and no.